Over a year ago, in March of 2023, we were given a writing prompt question in our Soulo writer’s group.

List the things I am afraid of?

Here is some of what I wrote.

One of my greatest fears is not showing up fully in my body before I leave this earth. This fear has come from the awareness that I have lived mostly in my head or intellect for the better part of my life. I still do not know what it is to fully and permanently occupy and embrace my body. My knee surgery brought me to another level. The prolonged months of pain awakened in me this desperate cry to uncover more. I want to deepen my senses and embody this glorious human vessel.

It took many months to heal, along with an extended health scare of almost 2 months with a severe lung infection that fully awakened this fear.

I remembered the quote by Alicia Keys.

“I’m no longer on simmer, relegated to life’s back burner, pushing everything and everyone out front in place of me; I am radiant and determined, wild and untameable, and at long last woke.”

I remember reading this quote in her memoir “More Myself”: I want that, please.

I put myself on the back burner for too many years just to simmer. I spent years earning my worth helping others until I could no longer. As it turned out, that injury was one of my greatest gifts. I had learned all this vast wisdom and knowledge that remained in my mind, but I did not fully embody what I taught. I numbed my body with food, becoming overweight. I could never feel safe enough to be just me. I am curious where this will lead.

Something awakened in me as I experienced breathlessness for days on end with my infection. Is this it, I wondered? Will I survive this? While I struggled, I kept having this one thought: “If I am lucky enough to get through this, I will dedicate the rest of my days to embodying my life and body in a way I have never done, not even in childhood. Over time, I slowly recovered; my breath finally became easier, and I knew it was time.

Of course, there were a few times in childhood and throughout my adulthood when I felt fully alive, but sadly, not much at all after my injury. I am now exploring who I am, honestly. I am still sorting this out at 63. As my health returns, I have this profound shift. The first place I want to explore is how being an empath has hindered and helped me.

Yes, I am an empath. I have known this most of my life, but I did not have a word for it until my 30s. In my childhood, I was deemed too sensitive. It was mostly seen as negative because no one understood me, and I could not express why I felt so different from my other family members.

Like so many empaths, I found ways to hide how deeply I felt the energy and feelings of others, over time, and eventually, I learned how to numb then deflect my pain by helping others.

I now understand more than ever before that self-care is life-giving and totally necessary. It’s not a luxury, self-indulgence, or laziness, as many have called it.

Dr. Judith Orloff, MD, is an Empath herself; in her private practice, she specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people. She offers a quiz with 20 questions to determine if you are a fully blown Empath. If you have more than 15 questions you said yes to, you are a fully blown empath. I said yes to 18

https://drjudithorloff.com/quizzes/are-you-an-empath-20-question-self-assessment-test/

I have decided to deepen my knowledge about being an empath and how it has contributed to my health and wellness struggles, especially in the last 10 years. Dr. Orloff’s book “The Empath’s Survival Guide” has been a massive blessing in unpacking this. I learned so much, including why I feel so much energy from others and why most people don’t. More importantly, it has taught me how to better protect and care for myself as I learn to embrace what is a true blessing.

And so, another internal journey begins.