“When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives.”
Kristen Neff

I used to teach about the importance of self-care when I was a coach, and to a degree, I lived it, or at least it felt like I did. I loved my work; I had pretty good boundaries, exercised regularly, and took time to meditate and journal. I organically gardened and had a wonderful group of friends. Many years ago, I was taught to better care for myself in therapy and training to become a life coach. Now I see it was only the beginning.

For all of us, life will throw a curve ball every now and then, occasionally a few all at once. It was a perfect storm of several events that happened around the same time that I write about in other blogs. Then, over the years, living with chronic pain, I became frustrated with myself and the world. I was not fond of being so vulnerable and felt useless. Of course, this was the story I made up, and the longer I told myself this, the more I believed it.

It did not happen overnight, but bit by bit, I slowly withered away all that I thought I knew about myself. “Suck it up buttercup.” was the motto when I was growing up. However, what we don’t allow ourselves to feel will get shoved into our bodies; over time, we pay a considerable price.
It reminds me of a quote by John Bradshaw that
“You can’t heal what you can’t feel.”

Retrospectively, in all my years working with women, I have seen this as a theme. A lot of women take care of everyone but themselves. Yes, many were like me who have self-care practices in place, but usually out of necessity because of stress or health issues. Many of us never value ourselves enough. The fullness of self-care is an art form that starts from the inside and has nothing to do with what others think or what we do. Ironically, only “true self-care” will free us enough to have more energy and time to care for others.

I failed to recognize that all those years of doing inner work did not take the ache of needing to be liked or valued by others. All trying to fill a void I am now exploring. This ache is so subtle and insidious and, more often than not, unconscious. It’s the age-old need to feel like we are enough. Don’t get me wrong, I healed many layers during those years, but that ache stayed in my unconscious and only reared its ugly head when life got overwhelmingly challenging. During that time, I now understood that I had only scratched the surface of true self-care.

Luckily, a few great teachers along the way, therapy, a beautiful spiritual director, courses, journaling, many books, meditation, and hours of deep reflection have brought me to where I am today. I’m in a much better place now; I am now breaking away from or redefining old co-dependent relationships where I thought my only value was in caring for them. This lie robs us of our self-worth. When I could no longer help others, I lost what I thought was my value.

At 62, I have discovered that I am unsure who I am anymore. I am getting OK with this ( it took a while, trust me), for it has allowed me to reflect on how much my adult years were about an image of confidence that was not always true. I was so good at it that certain people always expected it. I played a role like so many women before me. It is unconscious for the most part. Unfortunately, it keeps us from forming safe, deep relationships where we can be mutually vulnerable and, most importantly, valued for all we are, not what we do. However, I have learned that to be fully valued by others can only come after we fully value ourselves.

In some ways, this journey is the toughest so far, but to be authentic, we first need to know and love who we are under the many masks we wear. Who were we when we first came into the world? I know I was a red-headed little girl with big feelings, very intuitive and sensitive to other people’s energy, but it’s taking me a lifetime to figure out the rest. So much of who we are does not come from our inner voice but from the voices of our cultures, society, religions, and family dynamics. These are not all wrong or bad; quite the contrary, they can sometimes form a great foundation. As we mature, though, relinquishing what no longer serves our well-being is vital to being fully present and healthy.

Usually, in midlife, we come to understand this profoundly. I am in the process of peeling back more layers. I don’t always like what I see, but I am learning to love and accept more of who I see unfolding in the mirror. I am also excited to see what new stories will reveal themselves.

I will explore this theme more on my blog over the next few months.

I wrote about this in more detail in a previous blog called Reclaiming my Wild Heart; Who am I really?